You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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