Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize