1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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