What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
