I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
