Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
