I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
