He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
