FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
We left an ass print on the piano.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
