Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
