we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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