So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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