i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
