You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
