I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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