My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
