Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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