i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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