I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
