Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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