I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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