So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
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