wanna go halves on a baby?
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
