Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
