If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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