So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize