Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Randomize
