He had one of those small greek statue penises
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
