Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
