I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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