there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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