she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
