Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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