her vagine was all disorganized.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Randomize