Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
