Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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