I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
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