You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Randomize
