I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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