Apparently you make a good broom.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize