oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
