Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
