Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
