just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
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