I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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