U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
