before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Randomize
