Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I need a beard to bite.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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