I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
