it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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