I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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