Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
