I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize