I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
