Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Drunk is a universal language darling
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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