I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i was born a porn star she said
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
