i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
