So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
