I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
