Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
