Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
